A month ago, I wrote on here that Delice Bistro was the best kosher restaurant in town.
I hadn’t yet eaten at Delice. I wrote that post on the recommendation of a friend who knows food. I don’t know food. My favorite restaurant in the world is Poquito Mas but I shouldn’t eat there because it’s not kosher.
So last week my friend Holly Randall said she wanted to talk to me. She offered to buy me dinner.
I decided on Delice Bistro.
I made reservations Friday.
A few minutes later, I got a call back from the owner confirming.
I felt like a big shot.
I almost never eat at places requiring reservations.
I walk in Sunday with a ravishing Holly. Her arms are uncovered. Her top swings low over her Adirondacks.
There’s a tall beautiful blonde maitre’d.
We take a table outside beside Pico Blvd.
A waiter brings three types of bread. I choose two slices, head to the basin to say the blessing netilat yadayim and come back to my table to make hamotzi.
I see half a dozen friends from shul.
This is definitely the place to see and be seen.
I order the linguini (only a couple of entree selections for vegetarians) and Holly orders the roast duck.
In her first dip with the bread, Holly smears balsamic vinegar on her face.
I don’t say anything, figuring it would be rude.
Holly gets all serious.
I start laughing.
Holly: “The reason I wanted to meet with you…” and she goes off about her spiritual journey while her face is smeared with orange vinegar.
Our dinner comes. Holly usually finishes in twice the time I take (and I think of myself as a fast eater).
She goes to the ladies room.
Five minutes later, she comes back and demands, “How long have I had balsamic vinegar on my face?”
“The whole night,” I say. “I didn’t know whether to say anything or not.”
“You should’ve said something,” Holly says. “Did I have it on my face when I was making my serious speech?”
“I hate you.”
Unlike me, Holly’s not a very spiritual person.
Julien Bohbot, the owner, comes by. It feels like he’s welcoming us into his home.
“I’m Luke Ford,” I say.
Surely he know the power of Luke Ford.
Hmm, mustn’t flaunt it. Not very spiritual.
“So I have this friend,” I tell Holly. “I mean, she’s just a friend. I’ve never spent so much time alone with a woman without crossing the line. And whenever anyone suggests that we’re romantically involved, she laughs. Would you laugh in that situation?”
“The other night, we were at Sheva Brachos (a week of parties for a newly married Jewish couple). And as we were getting up to leave, we say mazal tov to the newly married couple. And the host says, ‘Soon by you two.’
“And my friend starts laughing. And I feel like it’s a diss. I feel like she’s saying I’m not in her league.”
“That’s what she’s saying.”
“I’m Luke Ford. I have awesome powers. What’s this?
“And then she says as I walk her to her door, still giggling five minutes later, ‘In what life?’
“She keeps going off on variations of ‘In what life would I be together with you?’
“I feel like this is a giant diss. Would you say, ‘In what life?'”
“No. I wouldn’t say, ‘In what life?’ That’s a diss.”
“I’m Luke Ford. I shouldn’t be getting dissed like this.”
Holly’s on a new diet. She goes to the beach with this guy she likes and she wants to look good in her bikini.
He hasn’t made a move on her in a year because he’s working on himself, according to Holly.
“Whenever a guy says he’s working on himself, it just means he’s bonking some other woman,” I say.
We walk home.
“Now I can write that this is the best kosher restaurant in town. And I can do it with journalistic integrity.”
“Luke Ford and journalistic integrity? Those are four words I never thought I’d hear together.
“You can write that the roast duck was delicious. Everything was good there.”
We go back to the hovel and I show her this website that collects my favorite movie clips.
“You’re the first person I’ve been able to share this with,” I say.
“Look, you can watch the rest of this on your own time.
“Is your clock right? 8:30? I’ve got to get going.”
“Great to see you. Thanks for dinner. Thanks for the Borba water. It’s doing amazing things for my skin.”